


Getting Better

by tetskuroo



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: And just wants Chikara to be okay, Chikara is sad, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, He Cares So Much, M/M, Mentions of child neglect, Self-Hatred, Tanaka is the best boyfriend, kind of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-06
Updated: 2017-08-06
Packaged: 2018-12-11 17:49:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,373
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11719401
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tetskuroo/pseuds/tetskuroo
Summary: Chikara has a bad day and doesn't remember how to tell Ryuunosuke.





	Getting Better

**Author's Note:**

> I'm just gonna write emotional fics involving my faves until I feel like stopping. (I'll probably never feel like stopping.)
> 
> ALSO this has been written for like three months and I couldn't get the ending right so I just went with the one I liked best I hope it isn't bad I just wanted to share this.

Chikara hated feeling this way - like getting out of bed was impossible, like putting on his clothes and going to class was the hardest thing in the world, like meeting somebody else’s eye was going to make him drop like a fly. He didn't like how it felt utterly impossible for him to talk; he didn't have enough energy to exert into effort so he could make the terrible, self loathing thoughts he had turn into actual words tumbling out of his mouth. And he was kind of glad he didn’t have the energy to express anything because gods it must be annoying being around Chikara when all he can mutter, all he can talk about is how shitty of a person he is, how shitty he feels all the time, how shitty his life is. It must be such a downer to be around Chikara when all he can say is negative shit.

Ryuu says it isn't like that, not as bad as Chikara’s head makes it seem, but what the hell does he know? Even though he had problems in his childhood - parents leaving him in his sister's care more nights than they didn't so that they could go get drunk and do other stupid shit - he turned out just fine, or as fine as somebody with a background like that could. Yeah, he was loud and attention seeking, and quick to be angry and defensive of the people he cares about, but those were better traits than this. Hell, Chikara’s childhood wasn't any worse than Ryuu’s - his parents neglected him just as much, but at least they were there to scold him when he was doing something wrong - but he still ended up like this; a hollow frame of skin and bones struggling to get out of bed every morning, struggling to talk or even fucking look people in the eye because he was so ashamed of who he was, what his mind made him be. 

And he wasn’t really like this, not anymore. He worked hard, went to therapy and took his medication, talked to Ryuu and his friends about his feelings of inadequacy whenever he was feeling that way, and he accepted the help his friends gave him with a little bit of shame, because he shouldn’t need that much help getting out of bed in the morning, but it was a nice way to bond. After working as hard as he could to eliminate most of his depression he was doing good. He still had days where he felt down, obviously, but in four months he hadn’t even gotten close to his low, which was astonishing because the couple of months before that he had barely left his low. So, in four months he didn’t have a Quiet Day. He had Soft Days, but even those were less frequent than the Normal Days. The ‘yes Ryuu, you can be as loud as you want in public today’ and ‘of course I’ll yell at Yuu with you today, nothing sounds better’ days. The days he could smile and meet people’s eyes and be professional and walk to the bathroom and to work and even to the store with no problems at all.

But today, today wasn’t one of those days. It was one of the bad days, the Quiet Days. The struggling and the avoiding eye contact and the nods and forced smiles instead of actual words, because talking took effort, and Chikara could barely walk to the bathroom without feeling like he was going to cry, how was he supposed to talk without breaking down? He couldn’t, not ever, so he just didn’t talk. 

He knew this day was coming - the last week or so has been full of Soft Days, not engaging in much conversation, not going out of the house at all aside for for work, not inviting over friends or going out on he and Ryuu’s usual date to their favorite little restaurant. He just figured it was because of the stress, though - he had some big get together coming up at work, and he was scared about bringing Ryuu, and his parents had been emailing him about a visit, which wasn’t something he wanted at all but he didn’t know how to say no to them so he just hadn’t replied to the emails yet. It was also bills week so they were a bit tight on money and that stressed Chikara out more than anything, really. All in all it was just stress piling up on top of him, and here he was and it was a Bad Day. 

He was disappointed in himself, because he hadn’t felt like this in four months, hadn’t woken up and immediately started crying in four months, and he shouldn’t feel like this - he was better now. It was a fact in his life, something that everyone pointed out. How he looked happier, more alive, how he seemed more comfortable in his own skin, how he cowered away from loud noises and large crowds less. Ryuu expressed his pride in Chikara’s achievements everyday, even the Soft ones, and that thought made Chikara’s heart race as he got up from bed and started to wipe his eyes. 

It was a Thursday, which meant Ryuu was out on a morning jog with Yuu and some of their athlete friends, so Chikara was alone in their room. He could feel the exhaustion, the sadness and the overall feeling of nothing creeping over him. And somewhere within him, once he realized what the day meant, came the anxiety. Ryuu is always joking about ‘going from zero to one hundred real quick’ and Chikara never tried to make his boyfriend understand, but that’s how it felt, having a good day one day and the next feeling like absolute garbage, or the other way around. That’s how it felt, feeling nothing one moment because of his depression and then feeling everything all at once the next moment because of his anxiety.

And it was now that Chikara wishes he hadn’t gotten better, just because it made the low feel that much worse. He was disappointed in himself now, and once Ryuu found out he’d be disappointed, and everything would just be worse because he couldn’t stand when Ryuu was disappointed in him. 

Now Chikara wishes he hadn’t gotten better because there wasn’t a way for him to tell Ryuu he was feeling low anymore, not in the easy way he used to have. Ryuu doesn’t ask daily anymore, doesn’t wake up and immediately ask what kind of day it is, because for so long there hadn’t been a Quiet day, and Chikara is scared now that Ryuu forgot just how bad his boyfriend can be when he is having a Quiet day - when he wants to do nothing but hold onto Ryuu and cry or just sit for hours with nothing happening around them. He can’t just text him and tell him, warn him that it feels like everything's falling apart at the same time that it feels like nothing’s happening at all, that he probably shouldn’t come to Chikara’s work for lunch because he’ll probably just be taking a nap somewhere or crying in the bathroom, he won’t be much fun to hang around. 

He doesn’t remember how to tell Ryuu that he’s feeling bad without first being prompted to talk, and he isn’t sure if Ryuu remembers that sometimes he should still ask, just in case. And then Chikara’s mind starts racing because what if Ryuu doesn’t want to ask anymore? What if he just wants his boyfriend to be better so he doesn’t have to deal with it anymore? What if he hates Chikara now because he only wants good days, and Chikara isn’t permanently having them? 

And yes, Chikara knows that he is being dramatic, but that’s all he could be when his mind was convincing him that it wasn’t going to get better, that it was never going to get better again and he shouldn’t have tried so hard in the first place. Chikara can’t help being dramatic when his brain is doing what it used to always do; it’s convincing him that his mental illness is more of a burden than anything, that Ryuu will never love him because of it, that Ryuu could never love him because of how he is. And here comes the self deprecation, the vile thoughts that he knows nobody likes to hear but he can’t help but share because he was told he was supposed to share how he is feeling, so why does nobody want to hear how much he hates himself?

Again, it was a Thursday, and he was happy it was a Thursday because that meant Ryuu was out jogging with his friends. Usually he hated Thursday’s, but as he stayed in bed a little longer than usual he was happy that his bad day was a Thursday because that meant Ryuu couldn’t see him staying in bed to cry a little and skipping a shower in favor of just splashing cold water on his face, and skipping breakfast and leaving earlier than usual. He was happy because now he didn’t have to explain himself, not to the one person that could read through every lie he’d ever be able to tell. 

He would text Ryuu later, after lunch or something and explain that he was in a hurry, that he’d woken up late and needed to get to work, didn’t have time to check his texts, that he loved him so much and he’d see him later. He’d leave out that he was feeling like garbage, that everything hurt from the tips of his toes to the ends of his hair even though the day prior was a day he did nothing to warrant the pain, and he’d leave out that he hoped Ryuu still loved him even though he was hitting a low again. 

'You’re being dramatic,' he thought to himself as he walked to work, thinking about how Ryuu was going to leave him because of one off day. The other half of his mind supplied that it might not be one day, it might be the start of a downfall, and after that he almost broke down in the middle of the street. 

It was at this time he thought about how grateful he was that he got a job at this little office as a paid intern, because it acquired a lot less mental capacity than the classes he had the other days of the week did, and he wouldn’t be able to muster up any important thoughts through the haze in his mind right now. 

As he sat himself in his small desk at work he peeked at the texts from Ryuu - there were four of them, all in the span of two minutes. Words in all caps exclaiming how much Ryuu loved him and hoped his day was good. It was nice, brought a small smile Chikara’s face, but it was fading soon thereafter - would Ryuu still love him if he knew how bad of a day it was? 

*****

The day was boring, just as Chikara liked the Quiet days. 

Nobody really bothered him at work, which was his favorite part of his job, and he’d texted Ryuu and told him not to come for lunch because he was going to work through it to make it home earlier, and even after Ryuu had lectured him (reminded him to take care of himself with a ton of heart and kissy emojis included) on his eating habits he still didn’t eat. When his boss had asked about his lack of lunch he just shook it off, said he had a hefty breakfast and was planning to eat as soon as he was off work, and then he continued to work through his lunch break. He could feel his stomach turning in hunger, but it was also turning in anxiety, in recoil because food didn’t sound good, nothing sounded good but a nap and Ryuu’s arms around him. 

His walk home was far more than he could have bargained for, and he was grounding himself with his nails subconsciously digging into his arms, leaving red marks that would take a few days to stop stinging, and he was panicking again because he thought he was passed relying on pain to keep him grounded, to keep him here. He thinks about the scars on his body, the ones that made Ryuu cry when he’d first seen them, and he curses himself because he doesn’t want to do this, he doesn’t want to keep hurting Ryuu because of his self destructive behaviour but he can’t control his thoughts without something to keep him together, and Ryuu isn’t there to be that something. 

Once he is entering his home he is sliding down the door until his body hits the floor and he’s immediately crying. Everything that day had been too much, from the looks of people to the words he had to say to make it through the day like he normally would, and it hurt his throat more than anything he’d experienced since he’d last been extremely sick. 

He’s just happy Ryuu isn’t home, because it’s Thursday, and on Thursdays Ryuu-

“Chikara?” A voice asks, and it makes his head pound more than it had been before and now he’s panicking because Ryuu is supposed to be in class right now, it’s Thursday and Ryuu is supposed to be in class and Chikara has been found out. “Chikara, what’s wrong honey?” 

The brown haired male shakes his head in response, not able to talk because his throat hurts and he can barely breath. His brain keeps telling him that Ryuu is going to leave him, that he isn’t worthy of anything Ryuu has to give, and he never will be. Before he can say anything or sob anymore Ryuu is kneeling down next to him, face showing concern and his eyes showing fear and Chikara wants to punch himself because he did that, he made Ryuu feel that way. 

“Chikara, can you tell me what's up? Are you hurt anywhere?” and Chikara just shakes his head again, because he doesn't want to have to explain it, he can't explain it. “You're not hurt?” another shake of the head, and Ryuu is more confused than he has been in a while because he doesn't understand, if Chikara isn't in pain then why is he crying?

After thinking about it for a couple more seconds Ryuu’s mouth drops open in realization, and he's immediately wrapping his boyfriend in his arms. “Is it a Quiet day?” he asked softly, panic mostly gone from his voice. Chikara nodded and sniffed so his snot wouldn't drip onto his boyfriend's neck. “Oh you should have told me, Chika,” he said quietly, and though it's not an accusation it still stings a little because he knows he should have, but he couldn’t.

“I-I didn't know how,” he whispers, voice cracking from not being used in a while. 

“I should have asked,” Ryuu said, quieter this time because he was talking to himself. They sat like that for about five minutes, just hugging on the floor of their entry way, and it was probably a sad sight but it made Chikara feel a little bit better. “Do you want to take a bath?” Chiara shakes his head where it is in his boyfriend's chest and hugs him tighter, hoping he will get the message. “Would you like to move to the bed and get more comfortable? Or even just the couch?” 

“Soon,” he mumbles, his eyes watering up again. “Just-” he cut off, voice cracking again. 

“I get it, don't worry at all.” So they stayed there, against the entry door of their house, Chikara still in his work clothes and shoes, Ryuu in his pajamas and his worn bunny slippers Yuu got for him last Christmas. It wasn't until fifteen minutes later that Chikara was loosening his grip on Ryuu’s old t-shirt, and Ryuu was pulling back to smile at him. “I love you a lot, you know that right?” he wasn't expecting a response so he instead continued taking. “No matter the type of day, I love you with my whole heart and I will never stop, not unless you like, kill Yuu or something.” And that gets Chikara to smile slightly, so Ryuunosuke continues. “I think that's the only thing though - everyone else is free game, you just can't kill Yuu.” 

Chikara’s smile doesn't leave his face, even as he reaches down to take off his shoes. “Let me, good sir!” Ryuu says with a smile, moving his boyfriend's hands so that he could carefully take off his work shoes to replace them with Chikara’s house slippers. He then helped his boyfriend off of the floor and let him lead the way to where he wanted to go.  
Chikara’s first stop was their bedroom and he was immediately taking off his work clothes to change into a sweater and pajama pants. 

“Have you had anything to eat today?” Ryuu asked once Chikara was facing him again. The way the brown haired male just looked at his feet was an obvious answer, and Ryuu smiled and nodded. “I'll order something so that we can just get relaxed and cuddle up, is that okay?” Chikara nodded, feeling a little bad because he was being so clingy, but he reminded himself that Ryuu liked that, the cuddling and hugging, and he didn't feel so bad anymore. “You want your usual from the place down the street?” Another nod from Chikara and Ryuu kissed his boyfriend's head before walking to get his phone to order their delivery. 

Chikara followed him to their living room, stopping by the hallway closet to grab their extra blankets and pillows, before he started arranging the blankets and pillows for them to rest comfortably together on the couch. In a matter of minutes Ryuu was walking into the living room to join his boyfriend on the couch, a small smile on his face. “It should be here in half an hour,” he said, his voice almost a whisper. Chikara didn't speak, just nodded, and then he was settling into Ryuu’s arms, his tense muscles relaxing immediately. “Should I start asking again?” he mumbled into the brown hair of his boyfriend, and Chikara was tensing up again because he didn't know, he didn't want Ryuu to have to ask, but what if he was getting bad again, and he didn't want to talk about it, about anything- “sorry, sorry,” Ryuu said, his hands rubbing Chikara’s back. “We'll talk about it tomorrow, okay? For now, we'll just cuddle up and eat.” 

And that’s what they did - they sat together on the couch, ate their delivery once they received it, and Ryuunosuke filled all of the silence with loud laughs and stories Chikara had heard time and time again, but they never failed to make him feel good. Ryuu pulled his boyfriend into his lap even though he knew his legs were going to fall asleep, and he held him close until Chikara was falling asleep, his mind finally calming and his breath finally evening out. His head ended up dropping down onto Ryuu’s shoulder, his breath tickling Ryuu’s neck. 

“I love you so much,” he mumbled, pressing a careful kiss to Chikara’s head. “We’ll figure this out, and I’ll help you remember to never be ashamed of how you’re feeling,” he promised. After that, Ryuu just watched him sleep and felt his heart clench, because this was the love of his life, the man of his dreams, and he’d do anything for him, if it meant he’d be okay. He vowed to himself then, as he had many times before, that he’d make sure no matter how bad Chikara ever felt, he’d never feel alone. 

Through the good times and the bad, Ryuu would be there, to just hold Chikara’s hand and follow or to pick him up and carry him. Chikara was Ryuu’s rock through everything he faced, and he wanted to be the same to him forever.


End file.
